I want to make a zoo with you.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
