I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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