My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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