My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
