u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
