You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
