I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
