Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
