i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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