I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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