get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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