this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
