Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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