why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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