im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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