Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
