1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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