why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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