i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
