I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
