I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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