Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
