I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
