Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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