Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
