he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I fill condoms, not promises.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
