I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
