I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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