either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
