I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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