Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
