It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
