Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
