yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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