3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
