This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
