The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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