with your own penis?
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
