she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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