can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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