I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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