there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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