I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
