i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
