well I can't set my house on fire every night
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I would fuck him just for his dog
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
