she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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