He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
