Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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