I want to stick my p in your. b.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
