my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
