why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
