Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
